Saturday, January 03, 2004

Objectively, a skinny black drug addict killing someone with a hammer and serving eight years in jail isn’t that funny. But the same man recounting his murderous antics to two young men in the Barnes and Noble parking lot, trying to use his case to demonstrate the wonderful healing power of Jesus while selling five dollar keychains made of cheap beads? Hilarious!

Well, maybe not to you. Maybe humor is fairly subjective, but the only thing that kept me from cackling uncontrollably while he was trying to sell his story was his freaky, druggy, prison-hardened eyes. He did kill a guy with a hammer. I wanted to call him Thor, but I thought that’d offend him, being so militantly monotheistic and all.

Then there’s the overwhelming temptation to test his devotion to his newfound principles. You know, shake him up a bit, see if he can take it like a man. No, like the man: Jesus. I could have teased him, could have explained the flaws in his beliefs... but then again, he murdered a guy! Logic just can’t stand up to the almighty wrath of Thor.

Smoking as child abuse?

That's right! Apparently, smoking in front of children is a form of child abuse:

Perhaps San Antonio should take it a step further, fine parents who smoke in front of their children and charge them with child abuse.

The smoking bans in restaurants and bars were ridiculous enough, but a ban on smoking in front of children? Wow. The idea really is terrible, but I do think I would accept certain smoking bans on children. No, I haven't abandoned liberty!

Consider, smoking is fine in establishments that allow it, because other people can just leave if they don't want to inhale it. It's easy enough for adults to avoid. Problem is, parents have a certain amount of authority over their children, such as "Stay close" and "Don't leave the house." In these cases, when children don't really have the choice of leaving and avoiding the smoke, I'd certainly say that the parents have an obligation to hold back on their trip to flavor country. That is, if the kids don't want to smell it. If the kids wanted to second-hand, that's their business.

Friday, January 02, 2004

Brawny Man Redone (!!!)

Well, I must say, I'm disgusted. Brawny is redoing the Brawny Man. They're taking away his rugged man mustache, thereby making him much less rugged, and 100% less mustachey.

The idea is to make him a sensitive man for the new millenium. Look, I don't want to be fed some crap about the Brawny man being brawny and tough anymore. I don't want some metrosexual that cleans the kitchen because he loves it. I need a manly man that cleans the kitchen because he can do it damn well, a man that is the boss.

I won't even tolerate a brawny man that fixes cars and hauls lumber. That's pathetic. I demand the kind of rugged individual that can kill a grizzly bear with nothing but his flannel, plaid shirt and his bare hands. That's the kind of man I want cleaning my kitchen in towel form.

Thursday, January 01, 2004

Update on presidential policy

Jessica Simpson insists you don't need to be bright. It shows.

Britney Spears thinks the movies at Sundance are "weird because you have to think about them." I'm still amazed she was able to think it that far through.

As a result of these two developments, I've decided that upon becoming president, as morally opposed to it as I am, I'm building death camps, or at least some kind of terror police.

Erik in '04

[That has no ring to it. I should nickname myself The Whore so that'll rhyme. Then, I'd have the rappers' and poets' vote.]

If I were really running for president, I’d have to make the nation aware of my policies on THE issues, so I figure I’ll detail them right now.

I’d eliminate public education. First of all, I’m opposed to it in principle since it’s supported by taxpayer money. Second of all, it doesn’t work. Talk to practically any product of the public education system from the last fifteen years, and you’ll see what I mean. Thirdly, and most importantly, I believe in being tough on the youngins. If they’re not smart enough to educate themselves, then they’re just too stupid to be educated by anyone else, especially a bunch of fat ladies wearing mumus.

Next order of business, eliminate Social Security, Medicare, and any other kind of program that benefits the old folks. Once again, I’m opposed in principle. Then there are other problems. Ever actually talk to an old person? They’re some strange characters. Not only that, but they’re really old, so they don’t have much ahead of them anyway. If their real contributions are already behind them, then they’re just wasting natural resources. Letting nature take care of ‘em helps the environment.

I believe in maintaining a strong, healthy environment. Therefore, only the strong and healthy will be allowed to make use of it by outstronging and outhealthying all of the weak and sickly for the right to use it. It’s natural selection.

Evolution would be mandatory curriculum in public schools, were they not destroyed and turned into Chippendale’s at the beginning of my presidency.

Since the power to do all of these things isn’t technically granted to the president, I’d make them so. Since the power to do that also isn’t technically granted to the president, so that would be changed too, ad infinitum.

That’s actually the first thing I’d have to do, so I’d establish a Department of Time Travel that would build a time machine so I could return to the beginning of my presidency and change the presidential powers. Failing that, I’d travel back in time to the 1700s and have the powers Constitutionally granted to me specifically. All other presidents play by the rules in effect now. Those tyrannical assholes.

Speed limits would be eliminated. There would be slow limits for every road. Slow limits would be enforced by the citizens, so if someone can’t get their act together, some friendly nudging is perfectly fine.

In an effort to be an accommodating government, emo pussies and goths who make mention of suicide will be thrown into duels to the death, Colosseum style. If they’re pacifists, they’ll just be publicly executed.

In conclusion, vote for me. If you don’t, then when I’m president, you’ll be ruled with an iron fist, while the rest of the population romps in magical happy freedom land. During my presidency, I'm sure I'd be unpopular, but so was Lincoln. I think that, retrospectively, I'll be the best president ever.

UPDATE: It has been brought to my attention that I am not old enough to run. So, I will run when I turn thirty five, and then change the current age policy while I'm altering the other policies of old.

Wednesday, December 31, 2003


Technically, New Year's Eve. Oh yeah. I'm drunk. Magnificently, beautifully, wonderfully drunk! Actually, I don't care for alcohol, but I am a huge proponent of alcohol-based jokes. They're just funny.

I don't make resolutions. It's not that I don't like keeping my life in order. Really, it's a problem of not being resolute. I consider myself resolved, though. Resolved to not becoming resolved to resolution. Maybe I should just resolve to take Claritin. What? That doesn't improve clarity? Damn. Back to the alcohol jokes!

Really, though, 2003 has been the best calendar year of my life. It brought me happy times and, well, more great, happy times. In fact, I didn't have any depressed periods at all, and consider myself a genuinely and consistently happy person, especially after this year.

The year was excellent philosophically. I went from being more of a modern liberal and socialistically-inclined hippie late summer of 2002 to being a pretty serious Objectivist over the winter, to just being right for the rest of the year. By right, I mean dropping some of the more intolerant and cultish aspects of Objectivism in favor of a slightly friendlier, less stoic and serious attitude. The transition from off-the-wall liberalism to benign, yet logical Libertarianism, was pretty damn thrilling.

My social life really took off this year, too. Associates, flunkies, cronies, goons, lackies, pals, and friends all over the place, sometimes even annoyingly so. I wouldn't consider myself an anti-social shut-in, but I have realized I like to be alone to get things done. Also, I re-befriended a very important friend this year. TWICE. Nothing dramatic, really. Just the standard friends drifiting thing.

"It's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last."

Lyrically awesome, but not factually accurate, or, shortened, facturate. The month seemed shorter than usual, but didn't lose any temporal length. Next year leaves room for improvement, I suppose, but not a whole lot.

Anyway, everyone enjoy their partying, boozing, and getting laid. I hope you all get laid fantabolously well, especially Mei. More importantly, enjoy the new year!

Check out this fairly entertaining Honda commercial.

Link ripped from Crescat Sententia


I'm really messed up right now. I'm the kind of guy that shakes from the caffiene in a 32oz. Dr. Pepper. So of course, 20 oz. of coffee and a few sodas aren't going unnoticed. I feel sick, and I feel wrong. Rather than post something insightful while screwed up, I'm asking an inane question.

How often do you clean your ears? Mine feel really irritated after showers, so basically, I clean 'em every day, even though there's no wax buildup or anything. It's an addictive rush, sticking a Q-Tip in, not knowing if it'll come out. Actually, once I accidentally moved awkwardly while doing it, and stabbed my ear with my de-waxing implement. I found dry blood in there for weeks, but that's disgusting and digressing.

Post any earwaxy tails, too. Also, if you happen to know, tell me if swabbing too frequently is unhealthy. It never hurts to be in the know!

Monday, December 29, 2003

Well, I just finished writing two moderately-entertaining little pieces. The only problem is that they're not for the blog. Nope. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on who you are, they were written for Drunken Jebus, which will hopefully, you know. Go places, totally unlike it did last time. By places, I mean to the secular, achievement-oriented individual's goal, Successville.

Anyway, writing two things for Jebus last night left me with an amazing respect for the work Lileks does. He writes an average of eleventy billion things a week, and they're usually all delightful. How he manages to do it is beyond me, but hopefully one day it won't be. One of these days, it'd be nice to write like the best. To combine the humor of Don Watkins with the charm of Lileks, the insight of countless brilliant bloggers and writers, and to be able to do it with the frequency and audience-grabbing capacities of Glenn Reynolds. If not, I could always build a robot to do it for me, but something tells me that the physical mechanics involved in robotics are a bit more complicated than the verbal mechanics involved in keeping my writing very un-robotic, and in fact, wonderful. Whateva!