Saturday, November 22, 2003

Blog*Spot's giving me a hassle right now. If you click the links on the best of list, it takes you to the bottom of the post you're looking for. So... you know. Just scroll up a little. You'll figure it out based on the title versus the content, I'm sure.

To The Bartender: Thanks for the help with the Permalinks, but when I did that, it just gave me error pages.

Friday, November 21, 2003

Don actually referenced me in one of his posts. He says:

Parenthetically, it's little things like this that really make my day. Perhaps blogging merely feeds my already-inflated sense of self-esteem, but the idea that people from all around this world...not many, but more than I could have ever hoped for...know who I am and appreciate what I do makes the effort worthwhile.

I can understand exactly what he means. I'd think that, despite how pleased he seems, I'm infinitely moreso. I was euphoric when I read the link in the post. A big-shot, mentioning something I said! Blogging really does serve as a great means of ego inflation. That, in turn, makes me want to write more, and write things of higher quality. I've been working on this blogging business for several months now, fairly unsuccessfully in terms of hits and regular readership. I suppose it didn't help that for a while, most of the posting was fairly forced, and then I stopped for a period of time. But now, it feels like I'm really doing something, and that occasionally, quality is actually going into the things I post. Unfortunately, this doesn't exactly show in hits, probably partly as a result of the fact that I only have the counter set to record my main page views. But still, I'm a little more happy about the way things are going, and maybe I'll get more serious about blogging pretty soon as a result of REAL motivation and inspiration these days.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Reasonable Man writes:

I just heard somebody say "It's as cold as Hell outside."

That always amuses me.

Reasonable Man's usually-excellent reasoning fails him on this one. How does he know what hell is like? Because he's Satan! (atan atan atan atan....) ((That was supposed to be an echo. Damn writing.)) But really, the argument goes beyond childish name calling, asshats. (Thanks for the word and the tip, Don!)

The problem with the statement "It's cold as hell outside" is that it practically requires some form of traditionally "naughty" word to be interjected into it. Just consider the statement "It's cold outside." That's worthless! It tells you absolutely nothing! Well, except for maybe that it's cold outside. But answer this: How cold? Yeah, I thought so.

So how can we remedy this problem? It's entirely possible to tell people how cold it is outside, but "Wow! It feels like twenty degrees out!" lacks passion, it lacks drama - dammit, it lacks a damn swear word!

Now that I've proven that point in an overly time consuming and inefficient manner, I'll move on to the implementation of the obscene rhetoric. Let's face it: We can't throw drama in without either sounding like a total jackass, or completely contradicting the meaning of the sentence. We have to rule out every word that isn't a noun. So... uhm... damn's gone, at least. Then, we have to exclude nouns that can't work at all. "It's cold as bitch/bastard/fucker/ass," plus any others you can think of.

It comes down to the select few. "It's as cold as hell"/"It's as cold as shit!" I don't know about you, but I see an eery, and moreover, annoying connection here. Each one of those involves heat. Hell's all about fire, and according to everyone who's ever had a bowel movement in the cold, shit steams. "It's as cold as fuck!" Ahh... the beloved F word, here to save us again. But wait! NOOO! Unless it's just not happening (and for that, go back to my post about laser pointer dongs) in bed, then that is also relatively warm. Or so I'm told. The point being, all of the good adjectives involve heat somehow.

I don't consider myself a compromiser at all. I do things as a matter of principle. However, I don't consider this form of linguistic pragmatism to be a moral compromise, so I let it slide. Besides, most people adopt the linguistically pragmatic approach and know what you're talking about, anyway. I suppose that's because most people don't care enough to consider it, much less write a fairly sizable discourse about it - well, not me! Unlike most of you lameasses out there, I understand the importance of obscenity-laden rhetoric.

Oh crap! The D Man, more commonly referred to as Don Watkins, has blogrolled me. Sweet ass!

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Do you have trouble aiming?

Aiming what?

Why, your dong, of course!

Oh, yeah man! I’m always hitting the seat, the floor. Don’t get me started on when my shirt falls down a bit and it gets pissed on.

No, fiddlyfuck! Aiming your dong while partaking in the delightful process of spawning. You know, doin’ the nasty.

Uhm, no I don-

What you need is laser pointer enhancement. What is it, I’m sure you’d ask were you not a pre-written commercial tape. Why, it’s the latest in bingle improvement. First, there was Viagra, providing temporary relief to malfunctioning wang systems. Then, penis enlargement therapies, which no one trusts. But now, there’s a revolution taking place, allowing you to enhance your bingle by enhancing its performance, rather than its attributes. Allow me to explain.

Several years ago, weapons experts around the world realized that they could improve the kill efficiency of their deadliest assault weapons by adding laser pointers to them. So we’ve applied the logic to man’s most joy-giving weapon, and come up with laser pointers for your wang, improving accuracy and effectiveness in bed.

Wouldn’t a laser pointer get in the way?

Of course not! The laser pointer isn’t some kind of cheap, external add-on that you could easily lose or break; that’d just be stupid. Instead, we surgically insert a laser pointer into your urethra, and securely fasten it to the inner walls of the bingle. It emits a concentrated laser point, so as long as can pee straight, your aim will be dead on.

Will it improve accuracy? You bet! Will it improve your sex life? As long as your lover isn’t lesbian, it sure will! Will it detrimentally affect urinary functions, and make the process of urinating painful? Probably!

So take aim - get in the game! The purchasing game.

I finally updated my links. A little, at least. Things were getting pretty outdated and all, so I had to fix that, and get back in the cool. Still not a whole lot up there, partly due to laziness, and also partly due to the fact that I try not to link to things that almost everyone else in the world links to. Seems like that'd be a waste of effort.

Also, I added that "Best Of" section, although rather hesitantly, as shown by the immediately-following question mark. Granted, I don't think the Red Scare thing is my best post, or that I didn't actually post anything else good - I'm just trying to start establishing a collection of posts that seem like they're potentially good enough to deserve being read. Plus, I was encouraged that it was an awesome post, despite the fact that I was worried it wouldn't go over too well. I think, though, you might have to scroll up a little to read it. Blogspot's archive system isn't exactly very effective. At all.

Mei has come across some doppleganger of mine. Not only is it thoroughly chilling, but it's... uhm, lacking an original adverb, sufficiently enraging, too. Now I know how Matt felt when Harry Potter was released. [Sorry, but I wanted to relive the glory days of that worn-out joke for just a little while. Ahh - good times.]

Also, in addition to the anti-abortion bumper sticker I saw today, I saw a woman with an "I love Jesus!" bumper sticker, and a woman with a shirt that said "Addicted to Christ." There's some kind of odd resurgence in the popularity of Jesus freakdom, and it's bothersome.

"Choose life. Your mom did!"

Yeah, and I'm glad she did. After all, if she hadn't had me, the world would be considerably less awesome. That's completely irrelevant, though. That's actually a bumper sticker saying that I saw earlier on this guy's truck. As I passed him, I looked over at him to see if he was some crazy conservative looking chap/crazy conserative looking woman, and he gave me a dirty look. It's like he knew that I like freedom. Wowsers! [Dududududu Inspector Gadget, dududududu Oo oo!]

I find it troubling that the bumper sticker seems to imply that every baby is some form of an "oopsie" worthy of considering abortion. I was under the impression that most childbirth takes place with fully willing women who made the conscious, planned choice to have a baby. That COULD be seen as "choosing life," but the term itself seems to imply an alternative, in this case, abortion. Then again, maybe I was a mistake, and my mom was merciful. Best. Mistake. EVER.

Monday, November 17, 2003

I apologize for not posting anything today. Matt got Drunken Jebus back up. Or at least he said it did, because it's not working for me. In any case, I focused on writing a bit for that, so I haven't really had much of a chance to focus on blogging. Hopefully he'll get things working so I'll be able to refer you to my awesome discourses there.